God, where are you?

So this is supposed to be the 'emo' post I said I'm going to do. How to say, I didn't plan to write it now as in now(3:08AM) but because of something, I think its the 'correct' time to do it.

Something* : It was Tianann's Bday, and so there were 4 of us(Denise, Ben) just doing some catching up and of course talk. These kind of talk would lead to God kind. Haha, so thats why I say got 'link.'

This is going to be quite messy, and a long post. I will just type what comes to mind.. So that was a bit of a back story of why I posting now. Next would be the back story of the post itself. Haha, damn act like, I know..

How to start? Okay, first off. The tittle sums it all lah, I need God's help like really now but He just doesn't seem to be hearing me..

What I want(need) now is healing. Not that I don't believe in God, if that was so, I'll be just an ass coming to church everyday right. To do what? Be some clown and entertain people?

I'm just in those spiritual dry state but abit more idiot kind. Something like on the fence, one slight push and I might just leave for good. I really want a powerful encounter with God, something better than the first love. To me, the first love is when you accepted Christ as your Lord and saviour, when you first felt this special presence. Now that the youth is on a series of "back to the basics", and so of course it will touch on the topic of your first love. They would say, "Just go back to the first time you encounter God lah."
It will be different. Why? Because when I first accepted Jesus, I did so because I believe in..aiya you know lah, those stuff ok. Not because I wanted healing. But now that I learn more about God and stuff...

Its like, hey do you know God heals? Really? Ok, so now I'll be praying and seeing that I'll be healed. Happy happy smile, cos I know that I'm going to be healed. Guess what? It got worse.

To those who don't know, I'm suffering from eczema. Considered idiot cases kind. I know its not as bad as say diabetes or cancer.. The thing is, you are not me, you do not know what I've gone thru and going thru now.

Back to story. As I was saying, it got worse right. That was the time when I back slided(CHC) for about a year and then came to CNL. So it was like when I accepted Jesus again after the Revolution camp, it got from bad to worse. Like wow. Well, this of course proves one thing as pointed out by Ps Adrain before. Satan is real and he is trying to stop us form knowing God. And I so agree with this. So what does it mean? Satan is more powerful than God, cos he can make my skin more idiot and yet God can't do anything about it?

I know the answer to that question. Its no. Because God has a plan for everything... Blah Blah Blah. That is the standard answer. And that all things good comes from God and he will never do anything to harm you. So why does he ALLOWS Satan to do it. Aiya, I step into the wrong direction already, I'm dragging it. So to those who know what I'm trying to get into...good for you.

What that means is that is it when I give up on God and step away, my skin would be better? Answer again would be No. Why? Because Satan is an ass clown who would go back on his word. Not that I've had a talk with some demon and he is offering me a contract to be anti-Christ and my body would be healed. Haha. But if this do happen like now, I sacred I lose it...

Because I really cannot take it anymore. GOD. Please. Where is the promise on the part where you say all things you put us thru is something we could handle. Below are some pictures of what I meant form bad to worse. Like never before happen, always a new spot. Is my leg area, the outer right side and left side.

It looks like I've fell down thats why got bandage. No. Its my leg part 'leaking'. I need to cover it up if not the thing would just flow down, which is an idiot feeling when you know like water is dripping on your legs. The ass part is that it STICKS to your jeans. Which is why I need to cover it.

This is when I take off the thing to bathe. I can't just put that one bandage and cover it up forever right. Because I ran out of proper bandages, I'm using tissue paper. So you can see that it sticks to my leg...

Just talking about bathing, I can like write another post on how idiot it can be. But I won't. Because I really believed and had already planned out my testimony speech. And by saying it now, will like spoil it when I stand in front of the whole church and share.

So you see, I really really want it to happen. But after things like miracle rally not having any miracles and me not being healed last year when Ps Adrain told me that the Holy Spirit said I would. You know how this 2 'setbacks' can make me feel? I'm still just clinging on based on a FACT that God is real.

I know I've said it before. There is still one thing which I haven't really done it. I did it for a while but couldn't last. It is fasting and praying for it. Like real hardcore fast. The reason why now I'm still not taking this step is because of my lack of faith. What if it fails? Like form now I fast all the way till this year's miracles rally. And after that nothing happens. You know, I'm scared of that happening. Faith faith faith. How am I to have it after seeing 2 major failed attempts.

This is when I don't put anything to cover it. Like when I just bathe finish and not going out kind,
so don't want to cover. It just flows out yellow stuff. Its something like blood if I'm not wrong.

This is how shit ass my jeans would look if I don't cover it. People might not notice it, but it bothers me. Really.

So far all the pictures is like just one part of how idiot my condition becomes after accepting Christ. As you've seen form that pic of flowing stuff. Can you imagine how I sleep. Or why I prefer not to sleep. If I sleep, I would scratch. And It would never 'heal.' Oh yah, I must mention this. If I cover it, its good right. Nothing will stick to it or flow around. But like this it would not 'recover'. Not like gone but hardened. When it hardened by itself, the stuff wont flow. Haha, but when I sleep I will scratch it. So back to square one.

I just looked at the time, its real late, or early. 4:57AM. Haha took me some time eh. I think this shall be part 1.

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As I mentioned earlier about the talking with Tianann, Denise and Ben. I didn't share much or at all. I just want to say, you think your problem is actually not as bad as mine. But I think otherwise. Aiya, dunno how to say. Denise told me that she saw me teared when Ben like mention about me. Dunno isit God or just me. Well, but I did teared twice just now. So ya, that made me think, again.

I think I writing crap now. Errr, Ende, I know you will read this. So I say. Urgh, I really dunno what I'm trying to say but you have seen that I myself also idiot God and yet I keep asking you come church. You are a smart person, try to figure out what I want to say. Haha.

And so I pray that later(Sunday) the service would be THAT one service/message I need NOW.