Where is the love?

(LONG POST AHEAD)

Finally back home, on my bed ready to blog. Been at school from like 8am, but can't find a
proper time to blog.. I have many things going on my head since last night.

As I was saying, last night when I was on the bed, about to sleep, many thing were going on. I prayed first, then I thought about my life right now, then it just went deeper till I tear, wont say I really cried~

So from the moment I woke up till about noon time, I was just in a shitty mood. It was mainly just about 2 things; my life and God.

The life I'm living now I would say is quite Loser. I'm thinking what will happen to me if I did not manage to complete my poly. Then I'll think back the time when I got my JAE result, and I did not get into any poly. I was so so - depressed that I was about to do anything to get into one. I went back to my secondary school and got my form teacher to help me write some good stuff, things like that, and I went around all the 5 polys to appeal - together with Gordon. Somehow I've got 2 successful appeals, one form Nyp, the other from TP. Wow, so I'm lucky this time, must really work hard and not let my teachers down, that was my thinking before I started school in Nyp. And I even said I want to be the top few, thinking to myself, how hard can it be, cos I'm a smart person, just super lazy. Fast-forward to now, and ya, laziness won and I'm just surviving poly. Fail one module during my first year which led to idiot time-tables and having no proper class. From my transition of secondary school to Poly is quite a Hugh one cos many things is just so different. I've hardly have any friends at poly now, not counting those hi-bye kinds, from my Sec5 class or from church. I've always think to myself as someone who is quite funny but that doesn't seem to be the case when I first step into poly life. Although now I'm like having no fixed class, which means I should be able to make more friends..I'm not. Why? One reason, my skin. Now I'm at the point where I know what my doctor has told me before. That I'm someone with low self confidence, as he can see that I always look down, even when talking to people. In the past I would not agree, but now, ya, cos EVEN my face has it. And lets not get to my hair...

GOD! C'mon, I'm not feeling a single bit of love from you right now. I can even feel the love from my parents. I use the word 'even' is because, well I'm not the kind of son that says I love you to my parents and not to even mention good morning those kind. But at least I know they love me cos, I'm still here. I've like wasted so much of my parents money on ME. My medical bills is like - so much. From my skin/hair itself is already idiot, and now comes my eyes. Now I'm even seeking both western and Chinese. There is still 28days left for this year, where You said I'll be healed. I'm waiting for it, but at the same time I'm so afraid I'll leave church.
Nothing can change this fact; That you are the one true God, and those who believes in You will be up in the Heavens one day, and the rest will go straight down to Hell. I SO believe in this...but..but.

How I wish I wasn't born right now, but at the time when Jesus comes back to earth. Then I would not go thru all this and just go straight up to heaven. I know I know, there is a plan, a reason for everything.

I've spend about an hour typing all this. The next post will be a better one. ;)